Fred

"Fred"
Song by Ween
from the album Ween/Smersh
Released	1986
Length	23:16

"Fred" is a song by Ween from the 1986 cassette Ween/Smersh.

Personnel

Gene Ween - Vocals

Dean Ween - Additional Vocals

Deaner's little sisters - Backing Vocals

Lyrics

(moans)

I think-

I think I'm pregnant!

With Fred!

(Fred!)

And so, Wendy Fredericks was in fact pregnant with a little embryo known as Fred.

You know, Dad suggested abortion, he said, "What about birth control?"

Mom said no.

No?

"I'm not gonna do any of this stuff.

I've got a living being in my body, and I'm not gonna cut it out."

Fred's dad said, "You don't have a living being in your body, Fred is not even conscious yet, he's just, like, a fucking cell split, he's nothing. Don't worry about it."

You know, Mom said, "Sorry, but it's what I have to do. I'm gonna have a natural birth underwater!"

Dad said, "What the fuck do you mean a natural birth underwater?"

She said, "Oh, I'm gonna submerge myself in a hot tub, you know, like one of those big tubs, and I'm gonna, like, um, I'm just gonna have my baby under there, you know, the doctor's wearing, like, a snorkeling mask..."

"Snorkeling mask! He's gonna be wearing a snorkeling mask as he brings your baby into the world."

"Yes dear, he's gonna wear a... You know, he's gonna be under there and it'll be very natural because, you know, when he's in my body, he's submerged in water,

And, and I think it's only fair, you know, when he gets out of my body, he's submerged in water.

You know, Dad couldn't believe this, he said, "You know, okay, honey. You know, whatever that, whatever you want, we'll do it.

I don't really care, you know, you can give birth to him, as long as you give birth to him, you can do it any way you want."

Times rolled past. The days rolled by. The days rolled by, and, and, and, and Mom was getting really swollen around the abdominal area. She was pregnant.

Mama was pregnant with Fred

Mama was pregnant with Fred!

Mama was pregnant with Fred!

Mama was pregnant with Fred!

Mama was pregnant, she didn't know what to do, she put on her shoes and went to the supermarket to get some milk.

Honey, this is, this is, this is [???]

I'm feeling convulsions, I'm, I'm having convulsions! I think, I think I'm pregnant! I think I'm having a baby!

(moans)

Get over here real quick!

It's a boy! It's a boy! It's a boy! It's a boy! It's a boy! It's a boy! It's a boy!

"Mrs. Fredericks, I'm pleased to announce that you have just given birth to a 6-and-a-half-pound Caucasian male boy named Fred!"

"But I don't like that name."

"I don't care! His name has to be Fred, he's one of those "Fred" kinda people, you know?"

And so, Freddy was born on that day, August 6th, 1983.

Why 1983?

Because he was born out of the galaxy, and he decided to land on the planet Earth in 1983.

And so, Freddy-[???] arrived in Mrs. Frederick's ovary glands in 1983.

Freddy was small... Should I explain Freddy?

Freddy was small, Freddy was white and male and Caucasian and, and he had, he had brown hair, and his parents always, you know, used to say, "He's such a cute child."

Well, one day, Freddy learned how to walk!

And the next day, Freddy learned how to talk!

And the next day, Freddy learned to play bocce ball.

Freddy was one of those "gifted" kind of people.

Freddy liked to get into things. You know, he's the kind of baby that would go and get like, latex paint from the, from the closet, open it up, pry it open with quarters and stuff,

And pour it over his head, and say, "Mommy! Mommy, this doesn't feel good!" Mom would say, "Oh no! No!"

Freddy was smart, Freddy was smart, but he did these things anyway.

Fred! Fred! Fred!

Daddy used to come home from work and say, "Freddy, let's go for a walk. Let's go for a walk and we'll take the dog for a walk and be noble.

Just walk the dog around the house." And you know, Freddy liked this, and Freddy liked the trees, and Freddy liked the birds, and Freddy liked the bees.

Then it happened. Freddy broke his arm! Freddy broke his arm! Said Freddy broke his arm!

They had to take, they had to take him to the hospital, they said, they said, "Mom, my arm hurts so bad! (crying)"

And the doctors came out, about two hours later, and they said, "Mrs. Fredericks, your son's arm is gone! Aaaww, no! No! No, no, no!

Frederick's handicapped, shit!"

Fred can't do anything normal now, he's, he's four years old and he's got one arm.

Fred came out of the hospital ward. He said, "What are you looking at, Mom?" "Dad?" "So what? I've got one arm, what does that mean?

It doesn't mean anything. I'm still a human being, aren't I?

And Mom said "No, you're never gonna be a human being! You've got one arm, you're an amputee, you're, you're a mutant!

This hurt Fredy's feelings real bad. So four-year-old Freddy, he got real smart-like, and he learned to talk real good-like!

And he learned to think real smart-like! And he knew about everything!

When he was five years old, he knew EVERYTHING.

I am a monkey, I am a fly paper swatting the reeds of love

He became a rock & roll star. That's [???].

So, Freddy went into, um, school, and it was his first-grade teacher, Mrs... Mrs. um, Fredericks,

And it was really funny, 'cause, you know, his mother had the last same name, and he would never know who they were talking about.

And all the kids, they laughed at him, and he killed them.

He didn't, he didn't physically kill them, he mentally killed them because he was so insanely intelligent.

So, he went into a juvenile institution for a couple years, and there he wrote all kinds of poetry like:

"See Faline on the trees

There's dribble and brown because they don't know how to live life

'Cause they never got the chance 'cause they had their arm amputated when they were four years old"

Freddy got out of the juvenile home about, uh, about a year or so, and he went back to school.

And he got into surfin' music!

I don't know, I don't know, it was just his kinda thing he got into, he got into, like, blues and soul. And surfin' music.

Not what everybody else wanted to hear, just what he wanted to hear.

And they all laughed at him 'cause he has one arm and he listens to surfin' music!

And at that time, you know, it wasn't cool to listen to surfin' music, like it is now.

So, Freddy went into school, he cooperated with society, you know, he did all of his work, he did all of his shit, he did the [???]

And then, uh, he was going into, like, you know, eighth grade or something,

And there was this new girl in school.

(Ooh!)

And, and they always talked 'cause, you know, she seemed kinda smart.

And, and Freddy kind of liked her, and she went out, she said, she said,

"Freddy, will you go out with me?"

Freddy said...

Freddy said...

"Yes! Yes! Yes! After five years of heartache, I will go out with you!"

Fred!

Fred!

Well, at night, Freddy said, "Why don't we go to, like, the movies or something? We'll see a movie or something."

And she said, "Yeah sure." 'cause it's nice.

So, so he picked her up, picked her up that night, picked her up at her house.

Hi!

Francis...

Klatrina.

Duckie

Telephone operator

"What movie were you thinking about?"

"You know, I'd like to see, uh, uh, Raiders of the Lost Ark."

"Yeah, I heard that was good, heheh. You know, it's kinda hard to change gears when you have one arm. (laughing)"

She didn't think it was that funny, you know.

And she said, "I don't think you're that funny!"

Fred said, "I dont care! I don't care if you don't think I'm that funny, why don't you shut the fuck up?"

"I don't think you shout treat me that way, Freddy!

I mean, I'm just a date."

"Just shut the fuck up."

At that point, Freddy did something that he shouldn't have done. It would affect him for the rest of his life.

He committed a sin. A sin of the worst kind. A sin that Adam and Eve wouldn't think about doing until they had invented bullets.

Anyway, her mother and her father filed for contempt of court!

Yes, they did, yes, they did

Yes, they did, yes, they did

Freddy drove home real fast, he went to his bedroom and he tucked under the covers, 'cause he know that it would catch up to him sooner or later

And that evening, the police came to Freddy's house and Freddy's Mom said, "Freddy, come on, it's too much. This isn't funny anymore."

(burp)

Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, you know as well as I do what happened to Freddy at that point.

Freddy went to prison.

Freddy was in eighth grade and he went to prison, yes.

And he stayed there until he was 35 years old.

Freddy got raped in prison. It was really disgusting.

I wasn't there, I'm glad.

So Freddy came out about 12, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30 years ago. Thirty years [???]

Uh, let's see, it was, uh, 12003, he got out of prison, and the world was changing around him, and the people, they were rearranging.

And life didn't seem to be as happy, and his parents were old and decrepit.

Anyway, when Freddy got out, he was going through all kinds of, um, cultural shocks, you know, he didn't know one thing from the other thing.

He would, he would jump out, he would buy a white suit, he would climb a tree, he would jump off the tree, he would come down,

He would go to the supermarket, he would buy a mango, he would eat the mango, he would say,

"Look, tomato, it's a fruit, it's a fruit, it's a berry, it's a berry!"

People watched him on the street, they didn't know what to think of this man.

They had their thick polyester robot on his arm and they said,

"Who is this mon? Who is this mon?" And they all had French accents, everyone in the world had French accents.

"Who is this man who calls himself 'Freddy'?"

Well, you know as well as I do that, that Freddy couldn't take all of this.

So Freddy started to sell...

Or, actually, Freddy opened up...

Freddy opened up...

No...

He opened up... Heh, the suspense, the suspense...

1, 2, 1...

He opened up...

He opened up a bass guitar store, and then he died.

It was horrible.

And, and, like, and, like, he was dead, and he had this open bass guitar store, and like, he had all those bass guitars in there,

And he didn't know what to do, you know, he was dead.

What else can I say, his heart stopped beating, his blood started coagulating, his family had long been since gone, out of, [???], you know.

And it was just over. All over. [???] more to say, I'm sorry.

You know, you know, it was just, it was interesting,

You know, I had to, like, explain this [???] because, like, Fred lives these things, you know,

It's different people live these lives and different checkerboards of the imagination,

And nobody really knows what probability, what chance, what, which, which, anything you choose, you know,

It's just pillows in a cosmic force of trilogies, and, I don't know, I don't know how to explain these things and I just said,

"Hey, I'll pick Fred. We didn't even wanna record this fuckin' thing. Smersh made us.

No! No, that's not true. I wanted, I...

(It is true!)

Shut up. I wanted to record this because, you know, I did to have, go, you know, to go down the tracks of life.

You know, and actually discuss everything.

(I, I personally hated Fred. I thought he was a fuckin' asshole.)

No! Freddy lived a good life.

Yes, I am sorry.

Is this over yet? How long do we have?

So, you know, like, Fred was buried that evening, and they, they gave him a $25,000 funeral and I don't know who paid for it.

But, you know, he was in a concrete chamber slab. You know, in those little concrete tomb things?

And slowly, he rotted away and died. And he couldn't help the Earth becuase, 'cause, 'cause it wasn't concrete. It was sheltered in concrete.

You know, you know, from Dean Ween and Gene Ween, we'll always remember you, Fred. Always. You'll never die. Bye.

Song Themes

Sung by Gene Ween, Profanity/Swearing, Death and Injury, Brown, Love, Sex, Band Members Named in the Song